Saturday, November 3, 2012

The Enlightened States of America

I received the following item in an email from my friend and co-host of this blog, Lloyd Agte.  He received it from another friend.  While I have not independently verified the percentages quoted in the statements in this article, my gut response is that they closely approximate the facts as they are known. [1]  You can check the footnote for additional references.

Subject: Dear Red States (From New York forming a new country with the Blue States)

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving.  "Legitimate rape" is almost reason enough!

We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren.
You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.
We get the Statue of Liberty.
You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft.
You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard.
You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.
You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.

Please be aware that the E.S.A. will be pro choice and anti war and we're going to want all our citizens back from Afghanistan at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

We wish you success in Afghanistan, and possibly Iran as well, but we're not willing to spend our resources in these sorts of pursuits.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water;
more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce;
92% of the nation's fresh fruit;
95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners);
90% of all cheese;
90 percent of the high tech industry;
most of the US low sulfur coal;
all living redwoods, sequoias and condors;
all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs;
92% of all US mosquitoes;
nearly 100% of the tornadoes;
90% of the hurricanes;
99% of all Southern Baptists;
virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson
and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite. Thank you.

Some 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale;
62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws;
44% say that evolution is only a theory;
53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.


Citizens of the Enlightened States of America


  1. To Anonymous: I was in the process of responding to your comment and accidentally deleted it when I hit the wrong key. I won’t try to write it all again. I will only say that I am inclined to not post anonymous comments in general. If you would care to identify yourself as I do when I post here and other places, then I might consider posting your comment. Other than that, both parties have their problems and this piece is obviously a caricature of the way things are and not original to me. For the sake of transparency, I am a registered Independent and really don’t give much of a hoot what the kooks in either party believe. Unfortunately, we all suffer from their ignorance and in particular to the racially charged rhetoric and actions of the Tea Party base in the Republican party. A plague on both their houses.

  2. Dear Blue Counties

    We are ticked off at your National debt and we welcome you to leave.

    Oregon by the way only gets only 12 of the 36 counties because 24 of them voted Republican.
    We believe we will be better served without you.

    To sum up briefly:
    We'll gladly take most of Texas and Oklahoma, we'll also take credit for Abraham Lincoln (a Republican who ended slavery).
    Apparently the "Enlightened States of America" still thinks slavery exists in the US.
    You can take credit for the KKK an invention of the Democrats, designed to murder. In all they killed 1200 Blacks and 300 Whites.

    We'll take Bobby Jindal, Jan Brewer and Paul Ryan you can have Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Anthony Weiner.
    You can have the French gift, the Statue of Liberty; we'll take Disneyland.

    You get the biggest cities which is also the biggest drain on welfare, highest murder rate and other crime rates.
    The Red counties own more land than do the Blue counties.

    We'll take the military since you don't much like it.
    You don't have many citizens fighting in Afghanistan because most military personnel vote with the Red counties.
    Should you need protection from Terrorists or other foreign invaders don't come calling, form your own military.

    If you think you get the wine, fruit and grain think again. Yes most all of it in Red counties.
    You only get half the beaches and we get Orange county CA and most of the beaches of Florida the eastern seaboard.
    You get the northeast.

    You can have the failed solar industry and the debt it created, you can have all the hot air you want too.
    We'll take all the oil in Alaska, Texas and other Red counties.

    With Blue counties you have to cope with most of the earthquakes, cockroaches and rats.
    You get virtually all of the atheists and you can terminate the birth of any future Liberal or socialist you want.
    You get Bill Maher and Michael Moore

    You can have Hollywood but Yosemite and Yellowstone for that matter are in a Red counties, thank you.

    You can have all the weed and cocaine for that matter.

    Now that we both have stated the others short comings and our own highlights; can we stop the bickering
    and be the "United States of America" once again.

    Michael Cunningham
    Citizen of the United States of America

  3. Thanks to Mr. Cunningham for identifying himself as the person who made this comment after my posting of the article. I would suggest anyone interested to go to his own blog to get a better understanding of who he is.